Cycle Sinking

Blog Post: 9/23/2024

Hug my knees

As the tears stream down my face

World waiting for a winless race

To be over

Count my days

Stuck between here and I’m there

And my thoughts they feel so bare

Feel like I can’t breathe

Yesterday I was so happy

But today I’m in decline

Going down and down I can’t see

Feel like I’m running out of time

After four years I realize this wasn’t just the effect of Covid. Some days I wake up just fine. Some days I wake up ready to happily face the world. Some days I wake up shaking with anxiety. Others I wake up with a headache. As of right now I struggle between singing and work. Politics and friends. Maintaining a relationship and being selfish. I didn’t realize at the time that I wasn't just living through a movie. I was living through something in my life. I had no idea that I was going to remain the same - but older - and what I wanted for myself I would actually have to start reaching for. I didn’t realize how short my schooling actually was until I graduated highschool after attending classes through a screen for a year and a half. This was also me realizing that I met the point where I couldn’t drag my feet anymore. I had made a point to teach myself some piano and singing exercises in my isolation. To have something to hold on to.

 In all of my life, music has been the one thing to get me through everything. I feel like there's some sort of cosmic connection between my music and I. Believe it or not, It just dawned on me how much I lean on singing. I enrolled myself in voice lessons during the latter half of covid so I would never be too far away. Between my work, friends, and relationship I knew I would always have music to guide me through the murkiness of adulthood. I’ve leaned on it without even realizing. I don’t know where or who I’d be without it. My confidence in my ability to do better is the only thing that keeps me going some days.